LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
