the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
