Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
