You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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