Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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