Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
