I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
