The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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