every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
