first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
