Princesses don't give blow jobs
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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