y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
