He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
well most of my day revolves around power hour
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
