We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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