even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
