She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
