Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
