he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
