I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
