I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
