In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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