I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
