Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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