we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
