I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
