she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
