you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
