Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
