remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
