I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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