he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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