Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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