i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
