and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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