Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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