we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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