i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
