so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
