My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
