I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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