What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sext me about skeletons
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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