I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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