GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
