those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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