Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
