I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
