We named our party play list daddy issues
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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