You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
