Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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