Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
