Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
